So I decided that I am going to start writing some pretty deep posts that are near and dear to my heart. I may create another sub category for them, but for now…I just need to write. I really enjoy giving helpful tips of ways to improve your lifestyle, entrepreneurship, fashion, hair, and beauty. Those are legitimately my passions. But what about the times where your heart and head are pulling you in another direction? This happens to be one of those times. I hope you enjoy this piece as it is a lot different from my usual material here on TME Blog.
Monday was tough for me. I’m not going to try to filter my feelings because I believe there’s healing in the process of being transparent. My husband brought home his insurance packet and I was blown away by the prices. If you are just now tuning into my blog, I quit my job in Corporate America in August of this year to pursue being a Content Creator and Co-Owner of MPrint Boutique I created a post all about leaving and you can read more about it here. Anywho, so Markaus brings home his insurance rates and I am literally appalled. I had no words and I started to get sick to my stomach. You see, the last company I worked for had the BEST insurance and coverage a family of five could ask for! Great rates, and an FSA card that the company contributed to on behalf of their employees. It was amazing. We knew this day was coming but to see it on paper, well it made it real. I began to cry. Like sobbing because I felt a sense of irresponsibility to my family. I KNEW what I was doing was God’s plan and His purpose, but at this moment I was dealing with mental sacrifice. You see, really up until this point I’d convinced myself there were really only financial sacrifices we would have to make as a family and I was fine with that. I was naive in thinking there were some aspects of this that would play on me emotionally and mentally. I really am that overly confident person who said “I got this” about EVERYTHING. But the truth was, I didn’t have it. I was losing it and my tears, stomach, and whole rest of my body was showing it.
After talking things out with Markaus and choosing a plan for our family I felt a little bit better. But not much. I was not regretting leaving and chasing my dreams, I was just in my feelings for lack of better terminology. Then this happened…
In September of this year I attended a Women’s Conference with my best friend in Little Rock. I can’t begin to tell you what a blessing this conference was. Especially as someone that has renewed their faith and relationship with Christ I NEEDED to be there. One of the pastor’s preached about Peter, one of the 12 Disciples. And it was in the moment of me sulking that the holy spirit provided me with the teachings I’d learned from the Conference. And this one was applicable to how I was feeling in the moment. You see prior to following Jesus, some of the disciples were fishermen. One of the events that occurred post Jesus’ resurrection is Peter deciding to fish, and the other disciples followed. You can read about it in John 21.
Peter decides to go back to fishing because it is what he knew prior to being a follower of Christ. So it reminded me that in the moment where I had not regretted my decision but I felt unsure, God called me to do something bigger and better with my life which was going to require my sacrifice. And sacrifices are not limited to finances. God wanted my heart, and my faith. And yes…although this is territory that is unfamiliar to me, I need to trust Him and the process. I decided then and there that I was not going back to my old ways when I was struggling as a follower and believer of Christ. I refused to be the old Megan that I was prior to knowing God’s purpose for me. Peter went back to fishing because he did not know what else to do. He was in limbo because Jesus told him to wait because he was gifting him with the Holy Spirit. Luckily for us we have the Bible as a manual to help us maneuver through life.
Through Peter I was able to learn from the choice he made, and go a different direction. As I stated earlier, the thought of returning to a life in Corporate never crossed my mind. It was moreso me making the decision to carryout the lessons I have been fed spiritually thus far and knowing they were given to me in order to guide me through tough times like I was experiencing now.
Allow Yourself to Feel
This is very important to me and something I am learning as a woman who likes to front like she has everything together. On Tuesday I did something that I had never done before. I allowed myself to feel. I watched Sherlock on Netflix and in a sense sulked for a few hours, and slept. We all can’t “hustle” 24/7. I have days where I work by buns off but there are times, like Tuesday where I just needed to feel my feelings. I had an epiphany and all of a sudden this is what came to my mind. “If I choose to worry, that means I am doubting the blessing God is planning for MY life.” I decided right then and there that the same confidence I try to have on a daily basis in Megan, I need to place that x 10 Million into God. I know his plan. I choose not to worry because I don’t doubt God. Things turned around for me almost immediately. I got up, showered, put on makeup, and started planning out the rest of my day.
There is power in allowing yourself to feel. I think so many times we try to suppress our emotions that we don’t allow our bodies the time we need to repower mentally. If I’d gotten up and tried to pretend like everything was OK…it would have been a recipe for disaster.